Good Gossip

Some psychologists and social scientists theorize that gossip is an evolutionary trait in humans.  In other words, gossip plays some helpful role in the survival of human beings.  Therefore, there are times when gossip is healthy and beneficial.  When used properly, done responsibly, gossip is good.

Primates, like gorillas, spend a lot of time grooming each other.  Picture a train of apes picking nits, lice or fleas out of their neighbor's back hair.  This tendency not only contributes to hygiene, but also helps bond apes together into community.  Those that groom together, stay together.

"The nice part about living in a small town 

is that when you don't know what you are doing, 

someone else does."  -Unknown

When humans were hairier, it is perfectly reasonable to assume that we, too, participated in communal grooming.  Nit-picking, which no doubt began purely as a hygienic regimen, had the added benefit of forming human community.  As we sat there, vulnerable, grooming one another, trust flourished and matured.  As we lost our body hair, the need for picking nits passed.  At the same time, language was advancing, and became the basis for community.  Grooming turned into gossip.  Imagine a circle of humans picking each other's brains, sharing experiences and emotions, hopes and plans.  Gossip is the way that humans help each other with mental and emotion hygiene, the way we clean and clear our minds and hearts of things that are bothering us.  Gossip is one way that we build and maintain community.  Sharing intimate details of our inner lives with others requires trust and intimacy.  Sharing opinions and beliefs help communities to reach consensus on issues and solutions to problems.  When gossip helps us process our own thoughts and emotions, when gossip helps build communities of trust, then gossip is good.

"If any man seem to be religious and bridleth not his tongue

...this man's religion is in vain."  

-Bible (James 1:26)

I often share my frustrations about life and people with my family and friends.  I only share these frustrations when I know that my words and feelings won't go any farther than that one conversation. But venting about my frustrations allows me to get over it...and to get over myself.  When I am annoyed or discontent, I sometimes forget that I have the power within myself to overcome those feelings with joy.  I forget that I am in charge of how I act and can let go of feelings and situations that bring me down.  Sometimes I just need to get it out so that I can move on--I don't need anyone else to do anything to solve my problem for me.  I don't need the world to change; I just need a change in perspective; I just need to purge my own emotional baggage.  Gossip is good when it can help me do that.  This form of gossip only works, though, when you know that your words will die with the person to whom you tell them.

"If there is anything more annoying in the world 

than having people talk about you, 

it is certainly having no one talk about you."  

-Oscar Wilde

At church, perhaps the most common form of healthy gossip concerns the physical and emotional well-being of others.  We talk about people who are sick and in the hospital.  We talk about how so-and-so was irritable or disgruntled the other day about something.  We talk about our own physical ailments, sometimes trying to one-up each other in the comparison of ills--especially when the aches and pains are a result of age.  When we gossip about people's health, we must do so out of a spirit of caring.  Gossip about another's health is good when we listen in compassion or ask after people because we care what is going on in their life.  Receiving and sharing such information empowers us to mobilize the whole community in prayer and service.  When we know, we can pray; and prayer works.  When we know, we can help and support the one who is ill, and their loved ones.  Gossip is good when it allows us to keep compassionate contact with others.

"We are all guilty of sin, error, and moments of sheer stupidity; 

none of us should be casting stones.  

The occasional arced pebble might be overlooked."  

-Richelle E. Goodrich

The most common form of gossip is that concerning the sins and mistakes and failures of others.  Gossip is at its worst when we talk about others in judgement.  And yet, even this gossip--if handled well and performed carefully--can be good and healthy.  One task of community is to regulate behavior.  In order to keep the community intact, we need certain rules and social expectations.  These social contracts enable us to stick together, maintain conditions that allow trust to exist, provide means to resolve conflict, and protect the individual (their rights and autonomy).  When I sin, I may not realize it.  When I sin, I may just sweep it under the rug, idly refusing to repent and change myself for the better.  But knowing that others see my actions and are affected by my behavior, then I am motivated to learn where I have done wrong, and I am compelled to repent and change my ways.  Gossip can be a mechanism that can strengthen community by regulating or limiting unhealthy behavior in individuals.  Christians have a duty to guide one another.  We have a responsibility to hold each other accountable to the Law and the Gospel.  Gossip can help----but only if it is done very carefully!!!

"Often people that criticize your life are

 usually the same people that don't know the price you paid 

to get where you are today.  True friends see the full picture of your soul."  

-Shannon L. Alder

Because it is so easy for gossip to simply become judgement.  Gossip can just as easily destroy community and divide people, as it can build community and unite individuals.  One careless comment about another person can sour a web of relationships, turning the linguistic grooming into guerrilla warfare.

"The wise will hide your follies and help you learn,

but the wicked ones will gossip about it with scoundrels."

-Aniruddha Sastikar

When it comes to gossip about sin or bad behavior or offense, the only person you should be gossiping with is the one who has sinned or behaved badly or offended you.  Because, in that case, the only people being bitten by fleas are the two of you.  Groom each other first.  Get rid of the fleas you share between you before you spread those fleas to others in the community.  Don't turn people agains the one who has sinned, get the one who has sinned to turn around.

"It is presumptuous to draw conclusions about a person
from what one has heard."  

-Jude Morgan

Evolution has provided us with gossip.  When done right--with the right people, in the right way, and for the right reasons--gossip can contribute to social and inter-personal well-being.  But if gossip only makes you sin, if gossip only drives you apart from someone, then cut it out.

Gossip is for grooming.
Gossip is not for dodging or judging or getting ahead or getting even.
Pick the nit, not the person.
Don't become the louse, let gossip be guided by love.