Why Your Marriage Needs the Church

My last blog was a rather scathing deconstruction of the institution of marriage.  If I was harsh, it was an attempt to knock the holiness of marriage loose from the cultural and governmental miasma that clings to it.  A religious marriage, that is a wedding in a church, is often sought more out of a matter of course, instead of an intentional and active desire to seek God's presence in a marriage relationship.  Add to that, the dalliance of the church with the state in the granting of marriages, and the result is a confusing mess and an unspiritual tradition.

Here, it behooves me to reconstruct marriage--hopefully without the banality of rote custom, and the perplexity of civil benefits and legal procedures.  I will begin with the mysterious or sacramental, and move to the practical.

The most stable structure, especially for uneven ground, is the tripod.  We find in Christianity, as in daily life, the idea that the same is true for relationships.  That is, pairs are weaker than triads.  The Christian God is inherently relational.  God's nature consists of three interrelated persons, the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.  This triad serves as the strong ground of our being.  Because we are made in God's image, we are not fit to be alone.  And even if we couple, we yearn for the third to feel complete.  In marriage, the healthiest third party in the relational scheme is God.

Even in our daily lives, this plays out.  Human beings are constantly triangulating.  In family or relational systems theory, a two-person relationship (especially when unstable) can only tolerate so much tension or anxiety before that system instinctively tries to pull in a third person.  In a triangular relationship, the anxiety or tension can be passed around to each of the three people in turn, and therefore withstand a great deal more.  It is interesting that even when a fourth person is introduced, the web of relationships that develops is two interlocking triangles.  For example, if I have an argument with a friend that continues to defy resolution, I will instinctively seek another friend to bolster my side or to try and mediate towards a solution.  I introduce the third.  Further, if my original friend also seeks support by drawing in one of his or her friends into the discussion/argument/relationship, then what occurs is two triangles.  My third party and my friend's third party do not relate to one another directly.  Instead we have two triads: me-my friend-my support and me-my friend-my friend's support.  What almost always results is faction, or--just as powerful--the perception of factions.  In other words, division.  And a house divided cannot stand.

Jesus promised us that where two are gathered he is present.  A marriage always seeks a third party, especially as the couple travels the uneven ground of life.  God is best at being that third party, since seeking friends to adopt into the deep intimacy of the marriage relationship can so easily damage the delicate trust and balance of the marriage relationship.  Friends (and other human support) are necessary in the life of each spouse, as we will see shortly, however, God is uniquely qualified for the deepest intimacy and for the hardest trials.  God is the base and foundation, or rather the three make the tripod: me, my spouse, and God.  God's presence in a marriage is as mysterious as Christ's presence in the Eucharist.  We must simply trust that Christ is present in, with and under the bread and wine because Jesus promises to be.  We seek a religious wedding to hear God's promise: "I will be with you, present in your marriage."  The state cannot convey that promise, cannot and ought not be able to communicate God's vow.

Once the foundation is set (me, my spouse and God), then the rest of the structure can be built safely and to last.  The rest of the house, the walls and rooms and roof, are family and friends and church family.  Here we move to the practical.  Simply having the foundation is fine, like camping on dry ground.  However, (and here we risk following the analogy to absurd lengths, but it works) most people prefer a whole house, or at least a cabin or shack.  If God is in my marriage, I can seek the support of friends without the risk that that relationship will adversely affect the foundation of my marriage.  My family and friends cannot turn me away from my partner in any way--whether they try to do so intentionally or not.  No further triangulation can touch the deepest, most intimate foundations of my love and relationship with my partner.

In the religious wedding, three sets of vows take place, two of which we have already hit upon.  The couple makes vows to each other, God vows to be present to complete their base, and lastly, the Church (the congregation) vows to support the couple in their life together.  This vow is more practical, or at least less mysterious, but no less holy.

Individual sisters and brothers in Christ may support the couple in a great variety of ways.  For our purposes, I would like to focus on how the Church, corporately, aids the couple in fulfilling the vows they have made to each other, vows that extend until death parts them.

Generally speaking, the Church teaches people two things: 1. how to relate to God and 2. how to relate to other people.  Jesus even taught his disciples the two greatest commandments: Love the Lord your God with all your heart and mind and being.  And love your neighbor as yourself.  I now turn to specific and practical teachings of the church that help us to love in relationship.  These teachings are applicable to all human relationships, but are even more vital to the marriage relationship, which is arguably the most intense relationship in life.  I will try to speak of each one in terms of the marriage relationship in particular.

The Church proclaims God's promises.  Humans forget--especially when stress and turmoil distract us.  Married couples can forget, too.  They can forget the vows they made to each other.  They can forget God's presence in their lives.  The Church repeats God's promise, God's vow to the couple, over and over again.  "I am with you."  The couple needs this reminder so that the foundation of their love will not crack.  The Church proclaims God's presence.

The Church teaches and encourages prayer.  Prayer does many things, but in this context, I would like to highlight one thing in particular.  When we pray, we practice openness toward God.  We bare our innermost thoughts, our heart and soul, to God in prayer.  Now, God knows all of these things even before we pray, and yet the discipline of prayer is crucial so that we might learn trust and openness.  In a marriage relationship, communication is the most crucial activity.  The more each person can open their thoughts and hearts to the other--in trust--the stronger the relationship will be.  Prayer is the deepening of intimacy with God, but it is also practice to deepen intimacy with others.  If I am ashamed or shy in telling God what God already knows, I will never be able to confide in another human being.  But the more I become comfortable with openness to the Deity, the more courageous I will become in risking trust with others--particularly my spouse.

The Church instructs people how to live within a covenant.  God has made a covenant with us, and we with God.  A covenant outlines expectations on both sides.  We expect God to be present, to love us and to be our help, etc.  God expects us to love, worship, follow and obey him.  Every human relationship exists within a covenant--whether that covenant is explicit or implicit.  That is to say, that every relationship, from co-worker to friend to spouse carries with it expectations of some kind.  Communication is crucial for making those expectations clear so that the covenant can be maintained.  A covenant also details what must be done to repair it when it is broken, when expectations are not met.

The Church teaches and encourages forgiveness.  When trust (or a covenant) is broken, the first step in repairing that trust is and must be forgiveness.  Every married couple will eventually face hurt, disappointment, offense and sin that will come between the two.  The only way a married couple will be able to continue into the future is if they learn how to forgive one another.  Forgiveness involves giving up resentment, retribution and the desire to hold someone's actions against them after the fact.  Forgiveness is a process.

The Church teaches and encourages repentance.  This is part of forgiveness, but is also worth treating on its own.  When one spouse hurts or breaks trust with their partner, this infraction must be recognized (notice, forgiveness can happen without repentance, but reconciliation cannot).  In repentance, I admit that I am wrong, and I endeavor to correct my sinful behavior in the future.  Repentance and forgiveness can be indicated briefly in this way:  if you are wrong, admit it (repentance), and if you are right, let it go (forgiveness).

The Church teaches and encourages reconciliation.  Forgiveness does not always end with a continuation of the relationship.  I can forgive someone who sins against me without having to intentionally associate with them, let alone live with them.  But if a relationship is to survive or even grow from a break in trust, then forgiveness must lead to reconciliation.  The scriptures and the Church help teach people how to repair a relationship, how to repair and rebuild trust.  If something as damaging as adultery occurs in a marriage, forgiveness is necessary for both parties to move on with their own lives, even if they separate or divorce.  Reconciliation is the only process that will enable the couple to move on in their life together.  Reconciliation requires a conscious choice, and a lot of hard work.  It requires repentance, reform, forgiveness, faith, hope and love.  Reconciliation requires the example of God's love for us--steadfast, unconditional love and grace.

The Church teaches and encourages giving, service and an eternal perspective.  If a couple is too inwardly focussed, then they lose perspective and momentum.  Just as a congregation who loses their sense of mission will stagnate, so too will a married couple.  A marriage must have goals, and the couple must have a mission to work on together.  The sentimental image of a marriage relationship is an embrace--and this is good component of marriage.  But a still better image is two people walking along the path of life side-by-side.  Charity and service give the married couple an opportunity to work together to be a blessing to others.  And focussing on something bigger than themselves gives them perspective on their own problems.  Focussing on worship toward God gives them an eternal perspective.  As Paul states, the glory that we stand to receive in Christ Jesus is so great that it is not even worth comparing to our current sufferings and trials.  A healthy dose of outward and forward momentum will give the couple the desire and the power to overcome interpersonal struggles.

The Church teaches and encourages many other things that I will not belabor here, but that are infinitely helpful, or even essential, for any relationship, especially marriage: patience, endurance, gratitude, joy, hope, righteousness, stewardship, humility, wisdom, temperance (or restraint), courage (or fortitude), integrity...love...and the list goes on.

My friends, it may well be possible that a couple can find their way to these virtues and skills on their own.  But the Church exists to instill these things in God's people.  The Church exists to teach and to be a practicing ground for all of these skills necessary for relationship with God and others.

But in order to learn these things, a couple must not only be married in the Church, but they must live in the Church.  That is, the true benefit of a religious wedding comes from regular church attendance, and the effort to follow Jesus Christ in one's daily life.

The wise couple, the lasting couple, will not only remember God's presence with and between them, but also will avail themselves of God's help offered through the Church.